May 2013
4 posts
1 tag
My Son
My son is seeking the power of the Holy Ghost. He’s at college now. The secular forces and influences of the world are overwhelming him. There might even be demonic forces attacking his soul. Attacking my precious little boy.[[MORE]] I’ve been praying for you so much, sweetie, I say when he calls. So much. Okay, he says. Thanks. Are you coming home this weekend? I...
1 tag
Stigmata
She had the stigmata. She was in a hotel room in Paris. She’d bandaged her hands and feet. She’d had to show the pharmacist the wounds on her hands to buy the bandages. She was lying in bed now. She was afraid the blood would soak through. The sheets would be ruined. The blood would drip on the floor. How would she explain it?[[MORE]]Her husband was at his meeting. She would have to...
1 tag
Crane
Sorry, he said. The woman was blocking the doorway. He wasn’t sure he could squeeze through. She was talking to another woman. Excuse me, he said. No use. They were in an intense conversation. He stood there. He could see the bar. He thought about touching her on the shoulder but he himself hated to be touched by strangers. [[MORE]]Once in a bar he had turned around and punched a man who had...
1 tag
Sleepytime
You will die with me. I had a vision. I was lying here on the ground because my legs were tired (I’m getting old) and it came to me. It wasn’t a dream (I was awake!). It was a vision. We were on a bridge. The bridge was made of stone (maybe in Europe—we should go to Europe together). We were holding hands (romantic!). The water was rising. It came over the bridge and carried us...
April 2013
4 posts
1 tag
I Love You
I want to jump into mirrors. The world always looks more interesting in a mirror. I wonder what’s happening in that world. It almost looks the same, but it’s not. Just stare. Stare into a mirror for a while. You’ll see. Really stare. Everything’s slightly off. You know crazy shit’s going to happen there. [[MORE]]You see that door behind you. It’s the door you...
1 tag
Oedipus
He read Oedipus Rex. At night he dreamt of having sex with his mother. It was a normal part of adolescent development. He’d read that in a book at the library. When he was sixteen his parents asked at a Wendy’s if he understood how things worked. He said yes. We figured you’d read about it, they said. He was in the car with his father. There was a loud banging in the trunk. His...
1 tag
Edmund
The side of his face was bandaged. I tried not to look. When he took the bandage off I saw the burn underneath. It was red and pinkish. He had smooth skin. He was beautiful. I wondered if it was going to leave a scar.[[MORE]] He lay on his bed. The school nurse fussed around him. She looked at our piles of dirty laundry on the floor. That’s not hygienic, she said. Women were not allowed in...
1 tag
Chet
My father used to listen to Chet Baker. He’d sit in his brown chair and drink Jim Beam and play the records. If you made any noise he’d yell at you to get the hell out. I saw him cry once. It was after my mother left. Sometimes he’d get out his trumpet and try to play along. One day he threw it against the wall. [[MORE]]He tried to get me to take lessons but I hated it. I got twenty-five dollars...
March 2013
5 posts
1 tag
Mr. Good Times
I’m trying on a new personality. I’m going to be fun. I’m going to be upbeat. I’m going to a bright light of optimism in this dark terrible world. I’m going to be Mr. Good Times. [[MORE]]Hey, Mr. Good Times, people will say on the street. How are you today? Hell, I’m wonderful, I’ll say. The world may be shit. I may be old and alone. My daughter may not...
1 tag
Water
I love Water. I just love it. God, I could drink it all day. Glass after glass after glass. I could shower in it, it’s that good. I could take a bath in it, I don’t care what people think. I’m madly in love with Water. I want to marry Water. I want to make love to Water. We’d go on a long honeymoon. We’d go to Rome. The Pope would bless our union. [[MORE]]This is my...
1 tag
Red
His lips were red. They’d never been so red before. He knew this was how he wanted to look. Nothing else in the medicine cabinet interested him. He went to the closet. There was a long black silk dress he loved. His mother never wore it. It belonged to his grandmother. She died when he was two. She’d been a dancer in New York and Paris, his mother said, before she married and become a...
1 tag
Buje
There was a loud boom / I went outside but there was nothing / only some children kicking a ball against the old church / I was sure I had died / in a gas explosion [[MORE]]/ No one spoke English so if I asked them if I was alive / they wouldn’t be able to tell me / I walked around town / to see if anyone would look at me / but no one did / But maybe that was for other reasons.
1 tag
Heart
She died of a heart attack. Face down on the kitchen table. The neighbor found her after a few days. She’s with Jesus now, my mother said. I feel sorry for Jesus, my father said. We kissed her forehead before they closed the casket. She was clammy, cold; I felt the heavy makeup on my lips.[[MORE]] The casket was heavier than I expected. The walk from the hearse to the grave was long. I...
February 2013
4 posts
1 tag
Arthur
The ghost’s name was Arthur. He threw a skillet at us. The handle of it caught my head. Jim was getting a beer from the fridge so his back was turned. There was some blood but it was more the impact of it that startled me. Jim didn’t say anything about Arthur. I think he believes me now. [[MORE]]
Arthur doesn’t like anyone in the kitchen. This is his room. I can understand...
1 tag
Hermit
He sold all his possessions and gave the money to the poor. For himself he kept only money for the bus fare and food. He took the Greyhound from the Port Authority. Next to him sat a boy who was bald and had no eyebrows. He visited his grandmother in St. Paul. She had emphysema. They ate dinner in front of the television, the volume turned up high over her breathing. [[MORE]]He left the next day....
1 tag
Kids
Kids are a wonderful gift of God. Just wonderful. We should welcome each and everyone, and thank God for them. I don’t have any unfortunately. That’s something I’d like to change. I talk to my wife. When are we going to have a baby? I say. Don’t you want a little baby to hold in your arms, to love? I’ve never liked children, she says. [[MORE]]Babies turn into whiny...
1 tag
X-Ray
The x-ray man at four in the morning is not happy. By not happy I mean not pleasant. By not pleasant I mean grumpy. I am shivering and I cannot breathe. No, the admitting nurse said. You can breathe. If you couldn’t breathe you wouldn’t be able to talk. Since you can talk you can breathe. You’re having difficulty breathing. [[MORE]]Okay, fine. I’m not medically correct in...
January 2013
4 posts
1 tag
Choke
He choked me. I remembered the next morning. His hand was around my neck and I couldn’t breathe. We were drunk and I had insulted his artwork. I said it was stupid, boring. I said it looked like the work of a retarded child. No, a retarded child could do better. I took his favorite painting that was hanging in the living room and threw it out the window. It hit the car parked on the street...
1 tag
Bushwick Girls
They’re Bushwick Girls. That’s what they told me. They lived in an illegal sublet off the L train. They were from Omaha, Nebraska. Sisters, they said, but I wasn’t sure since they were making out on the dance floor. We did shots of Jack Daniel’s and they danced on the bar. [[MORE]]They were kicked out for doing blow in the bathroom. We went to a bar in Brooklyn under the...
1 tag
Men
She likes aggressive men. She likes to sit at a bar and have a man come up to her and say, Here, drink this. I couldn’t believe it. You like a man to tell you what to do, just like that? I said. It’s demeaning. No, she said. It’s just what I like. I can’t help it. [[MORE]]So if I did that to you, I said, you’d find it sexy? I know you, she said. I know you...
1 tag
Pecan
You know what’s awesome? Pecan pie. It’s just so good. At first you’re like, No, I don’t want any pecan pie, it’s going to taste like shit. I’m going to have apple or pumpkin pie—the classics—but when you have it, you’re like, Damn, that’s good. That’s really good.[[MORE]]
My boyfriend is all about pecan pie. He likes other pies...
December 2012
4 posts
1 tag
Hospice
His left eye was twitching. He was sure it meant a brain tumor. He shouldn’t have given up his health insurance. He shouldn’t have quit his job. He would wait to get it checked out. It would be too late. He would receive sub-standard care. The doctors would be indifferent. He would go bankrupt. He would be ruined. [[MORE]]
He’d die in some dingy government-funded hospice. The...
1 tag
Good News
Do you want to hear the good news? The good news is that you’ve been fucking saved. Saved by the blood of the Lamb. And who is the Lamb? It is Christ Almighty, the only begotten Son of God. God spake, and forthwith came a little babe, born in a manger. He came to fucking save mankind. How many of you can speak to a nobler purpose?[[MORE]]
I preach Union Square. I preach Times Square. I...
1 tag
Pigeon
Hello, little pigeon. I have nothing to give you today. Nothing. All I had is gone. You see, little pigeon, I gave it all away. I wanted to have nothing. I wanted to be like you. [[MORE]] How do you survive, little pigeon? You neither toil nor spin. You eat little scraps? Little leftovers? What we all throw away? Do you mind if I join you? I shall be a little pigeon. I shall neither toil nor spin....
1 tag
Mother
All she wanted to be was a mother. She babysat for us three boys. She was a senior in high school. She died of a gunshot to the head. [[MORE]]It was an accident, her brother’s fault. My mother told me that story. We were drinking tea.
November 2012
5 posts
1 tag
Pants
I got my sexy pants. I look at myself in the mirror. Damn they’re sexy. Front, back. Both sides are sexy. I am ready to party. I am ready to be the “life of the party.” The “vita del partito,” as the Italians say. I cannot wait to party. [[MORE]]I cannot wait to “get it started.” Once I “get it started” there’s no telling “when...
1 tag
Children
Children, they might get strangled. The warning label was cut off. He found it on the floor. He was looking to see if he had missed anything. Where was the label from? he wondered. Window blinds, he decided. With the long cords. His girlfriend had taken them. They were hers. [[MORE]]Maybe he should mail her the label. Just the label, no note. He didn’t have her new address though. He’d...
1 tag
My Dear
Hello, my dear. Where is everyone? You’re all alone. They’re parking? Come and give me a kiss. Oh, that was nice. You’re such a sweetie. I can’t tell you how much I love you. [[MORE]]I could hug you all day. Come in and take off your jacket. Oh, that’s a lovely dress. Beautiful, my dear. You just came from church? You’re such a beautiful young lady. Your mom and...
1 tag
Tina Marie
“Listen to this,” said my manager John, holding his iPhone to my ear one bright October afternoon. “You garbage,” drawled a raspy voice. “A garbage motherfucker.” I lifted an eyebrow. He held up a finger. “You haven’t satisfied me in three years,” the female voice said. [[MORE]]I handed the phone back to him. “Can you imagine?” he...
1 tag
Warrior
My son is a warrior. He has a sword. He is fighting an evil dragon. I watch him from the kitchen window. He swings so hard he falls down. He gets up, and fights more.[[MORE]] The dragon breathes fire, and he ducks. The dragon chases him, but he evades it. He is faster, stronger, braver. After a long fight, he chops off the dragon’s head. He is carrying it to show me. How proud I’ll...
October 2012
4 posts
1 tag
Drunk
Brian used to tell me his drunk stories. We’d be sitting in the break-room, me eating dinner and Brian smoking a cigarette and drinking beer out of a styrofoam cup, Brian saying that this was the last night (seriously, man. I’m serious about this shit, tonight’s the last night) he was ever drinking again. [[MORE]]
Last weekend, Brian told me, he went to a party in Maryland. He...
1 tag
Jesús
He thought he was Jesus Christ. He said he was his reincarnated spirit. Jesus died on the cross, he said, but there was no resurrection and in every generation Jesus’ spirit was reincarnated. His name was Marco. He was taking off his shirt. [[MORE]]
Marco was a model and wanted to show me how beautiful he was. He wanted me to sleep with him. He said he was the butt double for many famous actors....
1 tag
Gucci
She has a dog named Gucci. She says, Gucci, Gucci, come to mama. Come sit on my lap. Come here, you little doggy. Mama’s gonna take care of you. Mama’s gonna hold you. Mama’s gonna love you. Gucci, you my little boy. You my little man. [[MORE]]
She talks on the phone. She says, I took Jason to the Toys R Us in Times Square. Have you been there? It’s crazy in there. They...
1 tag
The Note My Friend Left
Sorry for burning the house down, the note read. I know this (expensive) bottle of wine won’t even begin to make up for it, but it’s really just a very small tiny way to say that I am so so sorry for what happened. I still can’t believe it. I know you must be in shock too, of course. Have a glass of vino on me. [[MORE]]
Needless to say, I’m still glad I told you the truth...
May 2012
4 posts
1 tag
Confession
He said he once had sex in the confessional. Not when the priest was there, of course, but off hours, so to speak. I wasn’t sure how this had come up in the conversation. I was just at their table to get their order. But he was managing to tell me and the giggling older woman with him everything terrible he’d ever done.
“Mother, weren’t you so upset?” he said to the woman. “When you found...
1 tag
A to Far Rockaway
She had an abundance stone. She wanted to give it to the man with a blanket covering his head. Her boyfriend was taking a picture of the man’s feet. They were wrapped in brown paper bags and large rubber bands. [[MORE]]She set the stone beside him. “Clarify your intention,” she said. “This stone will bring you great abundance, if your intention is clear and you surround...
1 tag
K-Mart Special
Jeffrey had gone to prison for videotaping women in the changing rooms at K-Mart. At the time, he’d been a youth pastor at an evangelical church; his wife Tanja had sung in the worship group. But now he was a divorced parolee working as a host at Bob Evans. [[MORE]]
My fellow waiter Rodney called him our K-Mart Special. Rodney was also sure Jeffrey was gay, even though he’d been...
1 tag
I'll Take It
God, this is embarrassing. I’m so sorry about this. I guess I’ve always shown this place during the day—it gets such great natural light. I didn’t even notice about the light bulbs. Or maybe the power’s off. No, why would it be off? God, I don’t know. This sucks.
I don’t know man, I feel bad. I guess I can at least describe it to you. And, you know what, brilliant, we have our cell phones...
September 2011
4 posts
1 tag
Anglea
She sprang up overnight, grew grapefruit breasts, perfect hips. She had skin like milky tea and almond-blonde hair. She told me she had gotten her first period and I wondered if she meant something about grammar. Angela was already getting wolf whistles from construction workers when I still hadn’t made it out of Algebra one.[[MORE]]
I wasn’t going to get any whistles with my flat chest, so I...
1 tag
Ian
Two in the afternoon is a sleepy time in my Greenwich Village bar. The pudgy man came in, sat down, ordered a Budweiser. [[MORE]]
“I gotta get me a new woman,” he says, shaking his head.
“Oh?” I ask, bored. “What happened to the last one?”
“It’s just not working. You know when it’s just not working?” “Sure,” I say.
He takes a deep sip, alcoholic style. Clears his throat, wipes the foam from...
1 tag
9/11
The garbage men wake me up at 4am. They are dragging a dumpster across the alley below the window. It makes a loud, screeching, destructive sound. After it stops, I fall back asleep. [[MORE]] Christi wakes me up at 7:30. “Joey, it’s time,” she says. I walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror. My hair is greasy and my pores are clogged, but why take a shower when I might die in...
1 tag
Nicole
I know something was up when Nicole’s name glows green on my caller ID twelve times in seven minutes. Nicole stands six feet tall (not counting her mohawk) and has two or three degrees. People are always asking if she’s a model and where to get drugs and what the Latin roots of words are. She’s not the clingy type. And anyway, we aren’t that kind of friends.[[MORE]]
So I’m not surprised when I...
May 2011
5 posts
1 tag
Albert
Marian and I came home from our bars and traded cocktail napkins like playing cards. Hers was drawn by a thin girl who thought she was a Satanist. It was a drawing of a fantasy creature. “A lemur person,” the girl had said, and signed it, “-Rabid.”
Mine was a cartoon drawing and a few sentences in bad French. I worked at a French bar and everyone tried to speak French. It...
1 tag
Home
After I poured myself another glass of wine, she sat beside me and said I looked depressed and really should move out of New York City. I wanted to burst into tears and cry on her shoulder and say, Yes, yes, you’re right. But instead I sipped my wine and said nothing. Then she beat me at a game of cards.
1 tag
Snowflake
When you move to a new neighborhood in New York City, figuring out your new laundromat usually happens at night, when you are still living amongst boxes and new people and cats and suddenly you realize you forgot you promised to cover the morning shift for your lush boss, and all of your clothes are dirty.
Where is the nearest laundromat? I ask my new Japanese roommate Tomoku. She looks confused...
1 tag
Boys in Blue
Tell the boys in blue I won’t go easy. I’m just gonna have one more drink, and then, bam! I’m gonna take care of some shit.
You listening to me? Joshy, stop coloring for one goddamn second. You’re outta the lines. No, I’m not gonna buy you any more crayons. Not until you stop eating them. Be quiet for one second. Joshy. Joshy. I’m trying to tell you something here—something important.
I...
1 tag
Carrot
His name was Timothy but we called him Carrot because his hair was red. Later, behind his back, we called him Gimpy because he walked funny. A week after we moved to Virginia Beach, Carrot’s mom brought him and his sister Tiffany over to our house. [[MORE]] “Hi, I’m Elizabeth,” she said when my mom opened the door. “We live just up the street. Welcome to the...
April 2011
1 post
About
Joey McKeown is the founder and editor of JOEY magazine. He was born in Pennsylvania and homeschooled with his five sisters. He lives in New York City. [joeymckeown.com] [email]
Marian Lorraine is a contributing editor to JOEY magazine. Born in Kansas City, she likes graffiti and wine. She lives in Brooklyn. [marianlorraine.com]
Austin Ferrier is the illustrator for JOEY magazine. He studied at...
