Hello, my name is Positive Energy. I emit vibes of love, peace, and understanding. I have a good friend, her name is Karma. We hang out together. Grab a beer. You know, chill. One time Karma said to me, You know, I'm happy we're friends. And I said, Me too! And then we high fived. Yeah, we're pretty fun together. We got into a fight once. I said, You're the greatest, and then she said, No, you're the greatest, and then I said, No, you're the greatest, and then she pushed me and I pushed her, and we didn't talk for a week. But we're friends again. Yay!
I make money very easily. It is nothing to make so much money. I barely lift a finger. Success is in all I do.
I lie on the beach. I put sunscreen on. I listen to the waves. I close my eyes. I say, I am happy right now. A bird shits on me. That's good luck, I say. I'm going to get a lot of money soon. Not that it matters, because I'm happy right now.
I treat myself. I get my hair done at Fancy Beauty Salon. I deserve it.
I love myself. I give myself a big hug and pat on the back. Way to go, Joey! Way to go! Why are you hugging yourself? my boss asks. I'm affirming myself, I say. I'm building myself up. I'm influencing my subconscious mind and activating its powers to achieve success in my life. Say it with me I tell her: I love myself and I am worthy of love. I respect myself. I hug myself as a sign of self-acceptance and acknowledgement of my worth. My boss stares at me as I hug myself. She's so impressed with me, I can tell. So impressed. I see that look all the time from people. All the time.
I take action. I do things. On Saturdays, for example. I fry an egg. My girlfriend makes hash. We sit and eat breakfast. Higgy jumps on the table. He wants to eat. No, Higgy, this is human food. Get off the table. We just fed you. We do the dishes. We go to Home Depot. We buy light bulbs and herbs to plant. We argue about which putty knife to buy. We walk past a restaurant. Oooh, that looks like a fun brunch place. We drink mimosas. Maybe we'll go to Target later. We're adults now. We do things.
I let go of pain and anger. I embrace compassion. I hug. So many hugs all around. You get a hug. You get a hug. Sure, you can have a hug too. Everyone gets hugs.
I kick ass. In a totally respectful way.
I have high self esteem. Very high. I esteem myself and esteem others. So much esteeming going on you wouldn't believe it.
I am optimistic. Always. People call me Mr. Optimism. I walk down the street. There goes Mr. Optimism, people say. He's so hopeful and confident about the successful outcomes of things, how does he do it? Hey, Mr. Optimism, what's your secret?
I am a beautiful creature. I radiate beauty and goodness, both of which come from a strong inner core. It's the inner core—the inner person—who counts. And my inner person is an incredibly good-looking charming man who looks amazing in short shorts.
Money flows to me. There's a river of dollars flowing right to me. Right into my wallet. I keep my wallet in the front pocket, but soon I don't know if I'll be able to, since there's so much money flowing to it. My wallet won't fit in any of my pockets. I'll have to have multiple wallets in many pockets. I'll have to keep money at home. I'll have to give it away. I'll have to put it in the bank. That's how much the money river is flowing to me. Flow, money river, flow.
I have courage. I'm not afraid of making mistakes. I used to be. But now I'm not. I make mistakes. We all do. We don't have to be perfect. That's what I tell the police officer standing over me at 4am in the morning when he discovers me passed out underneath some bushes in downtown Brooklyn with an empty bottle of bourbon beside me. It's organic, I say, motioning to the bottle. No hangover, the guy at the liquor store told me.
I encourage myself. You go girl, you go, I say, doing my power walking in my neighborhood in my leotards. My girlfriend doesn't want to come with me. She doesn't know how amazing power walking is. It will change your life, I say. Look at me. Look at how I power walk; look at how confident I am. Look at how my legs look in the leotards. Seriously, just look.
I believe in myself. In my ability. In my talents. In the power of my ass to professionally advance my career.
I live in my "zone of genius." Zoning, I call it. I'm zoning, I say, just being a genius according to my particular abilities, using my natural talents, overcoming whatever deep-seated psychological problems that are holding me back, I say to people I pass on the street, because they ought to know.
I put sunscreen on. My face deserves protection from that powerful and almost perfectly spherical ball of hot plasma that gives life and sometimes destroys it. You won't get me today, sun, not today.
I bike to work. I ride every day. It calms me. I ring my bell. Get out of my way, you fucker.
I moisturize. My skin is soft and supple yet manly in all the right places.
I call mom. Hi, mom, I say. Happy Mother's Day. Who is this? she says. Mom, it's Joey. You have the wrong number, she says. She hangs up. She likes to joke, my mother. I call again. Hi, mom. Happy Mother's Day. No, seriously, she says, you have the wrong number. I do? I say. Yeah, she says. You're funny, ma, I say. You're real funny. Have a good one.